chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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