Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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