Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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