My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
