im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize