dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
