I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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