Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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