those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
