you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
