1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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