Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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