The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Randomize
