I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
