Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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