you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
