He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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