i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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