She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
