Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
