you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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