My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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