You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
