I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
