its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
