You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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