im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He passed out mid-signature
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Randomize
