i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
