The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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