I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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