i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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