i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
this beer tastes like vomit already
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
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