How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
