I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
