If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
