i was born a porn star she said
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
