Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
