life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We're not piercing ourselves today.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
