Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
