If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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