I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
