I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
