two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize