ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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