remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
