if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
