Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
its not stalking. its research.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I FOUND THE LEGS
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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