so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
