in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just saw a hot homeless man
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
