you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
