Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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