So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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