Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
