Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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