in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
