Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize