i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
