I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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