I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
