He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
